


You've Got A Way With The Way You Take Me

by lexterminate



Series: Touch Series [2]
Category: The 100
Genre: Eventual Smut, I address the ontari incident in ch 4, M/M, a weird combination of fluff and angst and smut, did i mention this is one year later, follow up to LTWBD, i still have no idea what i am doing, john murphy is still a trauma victim, or how to tag things, trigger warnings apply for mentions of rape, which is really the only way i write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 12:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10360386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexterminate/pseuds/lexterminate
Summary: faith(n.) complete trust or confidence in someone or something.





	1. Concupiscence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> con·cu·pis·cence
> 
> (n.) strong sexual desire; lust.

John Murphy has always thought that he's fluent in the language of touch. He always understands what people want when they touch him; usually it’s violent and angry. They want him dead or hurt. That’s what he’s used to and it’s what he knows. 

It isn’t until Bellamy Blake that he learns touch can change, people can change. 

A year ago, Murphy never wanted Bellamy to touch him again. A year ago, Bellamy’s touch was painful, it was unbearable. Now, things are different. 

Murphy can’t get enough of Bellamy’s hands all over him, but it’s still a struggle. It a challenge they deal with every day. Murphy loves Bellamy’s touch, but his body still remembers when Bellamy hurt him. It still screams at Bellamy’s fingers against his skin, but Murphy can overrule it. If he focuses and thinks about how Bellamy has changed; if he concentrates on the fact that he loves Bellamy and Bellamy loves him, then they can make it work. 

It’s not easy and there are bad days, but they both make the effort. For that, Murphy is grateful. It often surprises him how patient Bellamy is; if the roles were reversed, Murphy doesn't know if he could do the same for Bellamy, despite how much he would want to. Patience is a quality he’s always lacked. 

"Is this okay," Bellamy always asks before touching him, hand hovering between them as he goes to squeeze Murphy's fingers or brush the hair from his face. It always makes Murphy's heart swell with the careful and cautious consideration he has even after so long together. The last thing Bellamy wants to do is cause Murphy unnecessary pain. Murphy just nods and smiles as their fingers interlace. 

They’re sitting together on Murphy’s bed like they’ve done almost every day for the past year, same as always, but today is different. 

"I always want you to touch me, Bell," Murphy tells him, but his voice is hesitant. He knows his limitations, but he’s always pushing them. Bellamy hates it because he doesn’t want Murphy to hurt, but it’s an inevitability that he has to live with. 

"I know, but it's okay if I can't sometimes," Bellamy assures him. "You just have to tell me." 

Murphy nods. He's been thinking a lot lately that he wants more with Bellamy. It's taken a long time, but they touch fairly easily and fairly frequently now.They hold hands. They hug and kiss and cuddle. If it's a really good day, sometimes they'll rut against each other and get each other off, but Murphy wants more; he wants Bellamy buried inside of him. He wants to feel full of his boyfriend. He wants to have sex, make love, be together like they’re supposed to be able to do. 

Murphy’s not a virgin. He hasn’t been for awhile, not since he met Emori. That was good; it was nice and special. When they were together, it’s always safe and warm and he loved her, he still does. 

Ontari changed him though. He never wanted to be with her, but she forced him to participate in sexual acts without any desire or passion, threatened his life and put a collar with chains on him. She used him until all that was left was the feeling that he was tainted, stained, and ruined. 

Ontari is the reason he drifted apart from Emori. She’s the reason he stopped wanting to be close to anyone because he didn’t deserve them anymore. Just like when his parents died, he was alone again. 

Until now. 

Until Bellamy Blake finds a way back into his heart and he learns how to trust again; how to open up and be vulnerable. It hasn’t been an easy process, but he’s gotten better at it. 

"Actually, I think...what I want is for us to have sex," Murphy says, voice still wavering, not sure how Bellamy will react. He doesn't know if this is something they can do, but he wants to try. He has to. "I want to be with you."

Bellamy wants it, there's no denying it. He gets hard just thinking about it, but it's a lot more complicated than just wanting it. "I want to be with you too, but are you sure, Murphy? You think you're ready for that?"

"It's been a year, Bellamy. A year of you and me together. With you, I can do anything." He squeezes Bellamy's hand and the curly-haired man smiles. 

"Then yes, let's do it," he agrees, his voice soft. 

"Really?" he asks. Murphy knows Bellamy loves him and wants him, but he also knows this is a big thing to ask. There's a chance it could end with Murphy in tears and that's not what Bellamy wants for him. 

"If it's what you want, then it's what I want," Bellamy nods and he makes eye contact with Murphy, silently asking if it's okay to kiss him. Murphy just leans in and smashes their lips together, smiling against his mouth. 

"I love you," Murphy whispers in between little breathless kisses. 

"I love you too, Murph," Bellamy replies easily because it's something he's said a thousand times and still isn't tired of saying. "eternally." 

Murphy pulls back to look at him, chewing lightly on his lips. "eternally," he repeats quietly, the warmth pooling in his gut; his ocean eyes burning as they look into Bellamy's dark chocolate ones, reducing the older man to ashes. 

"Tonight then?" Bellamy asks him and Murphy nods. "What do you need for this to work?" 

Murphy continues worrying his bottom lip, "I need to look at you. I need to go slow, at least at first. I need you to talk to me." 

Bellamy nods, "Okay, we can make that happen." He watches the way Murphy seems to close himself off because of his nerves and if they're doing this, he needs to make sure he's going to be okay. "If you're nervous, we can wait."

Murphy shakes his head. "I don't want to want to wait anymore, Bell." 

"I don't either," Bellamy admits. He’s still afraid, but they both want it and maybe that’s enough. 

Murphy curls into his boyfriend's side and Bellamy wraps an arm around him gently. It’s quiet for a few moments. Murphy counts in his head. 1…2…3…4…5. He feels better, has more courage. He knows he’s safe with Bellamy. 

“Take me,” Murphy breathes as he goes in for another kiss, licking at Bellamy’s mouth for entrance and it’s all Bellamy can do to hold on to some semblance of control as he kisses his boyfriend back hungrily, and pushes him down onto the bed. 

“Now?” He pulls away from the kiss and looks down at the boy beneath him, who is already panting lightly from the kiss. 

“Please. Yes. Now.”


	2. Reverence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rev·er·ence
> 
> (n.) deep respect for someone or something.  
> (v.) regard or treat with deep respect.

_"Please. Yes. Now."_

Murphy leans up off the bed, so he can pull off his shirt. He can’t believe this is going to happen and he can feel his heart start to speed up as the adrenaline releases in his brain. He’s excited, but scared that it all might be too much. It doesn’t stop him from giving Bellamy come-hither smirk. 

Bellamy’s eyes rake over Murphy’s pale, scarred skin and he can’t wait to get his mouth on it. He leans over Murphy and brushes his lips over the younger boy’s cheek. “I’m going to kiss you everywhere, okay?” He mumbles in Murphy’s ear, hot breath against his face. 

Murphy’s never believed in God, but when Bellamy looks at him, when Bellamy touches him… he starts to believe in something. God’s never been kind to Murphy, so Murphy has always forsaken him and most of the people who came into his life. 

Emori was the the first good person in his life since his father died, but she didn’t make him believe in anything. It was them against the world; God be damned. The lives of two thieves on the run and it was good for awhile. 

Bellamy had been the devil, had been his torment and his grief for so long that when he changed, Murphy changed. Bellamy became Murphy’s salvation, his savior—he would do anything for him because he believes in Bellamy Blake, because their relationship exists under impossible circumstances and together they make it work. 

That’s why he does this; it’s why he begs Bellamy to touch him when it hurts—because he loves him. 

“Okay,” Murphy breathes and swallows his fear and Bellamy begins licking and mouthing a line down his neck. 

“You’re beautiful, you know that, so so beautiful,” he murmurs in between kisses along Murphy’s collarbone, letting his teeth scrape along delicate flesh. Murphy’s skin feels like fire, like he’s burning from the inside out. He tries to focus on Bellamy’s voice and on his breath as his chest rises and falls. His heart pounds loudly in his ribcage as Bellamy teases a nipple with his tongue. 

“Bell…” Murphy whines as Bellamy reaches his stomach and a mess of curls looks up at him, questioningly. “Don’t stop…fuck, don’t stop.”

Bellamy kisses his belly button. He runs his tongue and lips along each of Murphy’s scars. “You survived, you lived and you’re beautiful. You’re perfect… so perfect,” he tells the pale boy, who’s muscles contract under Bellamy’s mouth. 

He starts to tug on Murphy’s pants, pulling them off. Murphy is painfully hard, straining against his underwear. He jerks his hips and Bellamy steadies him with rough hands on his waist. “We’re taking this slow, remember, nice and slow.” 

Murphy keens; he’s desperate for Bellamy to be inside of him already, desperate to feel him. “Bell,” he can’t really speak anything other than Bellamy’s name. His brain is running on a mixture of pleasure/pain and adrenaline. 

Bellamy ghosts his fingers over the bulge in Murphy’s briefs and his hips stutter again. “Fuck, Bell, stop teasing me.” 

“You said you needed to go slow, so just try to enjoy the ride. Patience is a virtue, Murph,” Bellamy tells him and Murphy rolls his eyes and leans up to catch his mouth in a kiss. 

“It’s a virtue I lack, Bell. At least kiss me, if you’re gonna be a tease,” Murphy scrapes his teeth along Bellamy’s lower lip. 

Bellamy’s leaning over him, his hands on either side of Murphy’s head, and when he pulls back to look in Bellamy’s eyes, everything starts to spin. He’s getting beaten to a bloody pulp by Bellamy, the older man’s knees pressed into his chest as his fists pound again and again into his jaw and his face. 

Murphy’s eyes have dilated and he’s gone pale; he doesn’t breathe for a moment. He doesn’t say “polaris,” but Bellamy knows something’s wrong and he moves away from Murphy, gives him space to recover. He wishes there was more he could do, but he knows it’s for the best to let Murphy find his own way back. 

All Murphy can see is blood and he can taste it in his mouth. He’s shaking violently and his muscles have gone rigid. He struggles to breathe. It’s not real; he knows it’s not real, but it’s hard to focus when his whole world has gone off kilter. He curls himself into a fetal position as he tries to pull himself out of the memory, tears streaking down his face even though he doesn’t scream, only whimpers. 

Bellamy watches him carefully, protectively. He worries. He’s always scared that everything about their relationship is too much for Murphy to handle, but the younger boy always shrugs him off. Murphy’s always been a fighter and a survivor, but this shouldn’t be something he has to fight to keep. 

It takes a long time, but eventually, Murphy uncurls and lays there breathing hard as he tries to relax. He wipes the tear stains from his face and tries to look like he’s not recovering from a panic attack before sitting up slowly to talk to Bellamy. 

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asks, meeting his eyes. Murphy looks paler than usual, but he nods. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says and Bellamy gives him a pained expression. “I’ll be okay.”

“We don’t have to try it again,” Bellamy tells him. “We’re okay if we never…”

Murphy interrupts him, “We will try again, maybe not yet, but soon. I think it was just a problem with the position.” The pain in Bellamy’s eyes is almost suffocating, but Murphy doesn’t relent. He’s nothing if not stubborn, “We have to try again. Please.” 

“Murphy, I can’t. You’re too important to me,” Bellamy tries. This shouldn’t be so hard for him; Murphy’s the one in pain. He’s the one with the hard choices, but the weight of the guilt and responsibility Bellamy feels is almost impossible. That’s his own issue though and it pales in comparison with Murphy’s. 

“I’m stronger than this, Bell. We’re stronger than this,” he begs, “I’m willing to fight for us… let me. I’m not as breakable as you think.”

Bellamy shakes his head, his mouth a hard line, but his eyes are soft as they look at Murphy. “I don’t think you’re breakable, but you push yourself too hard. This is enough, we’re enough.”

"Don't you want more?" Murphy asks him, frowning.

"Of course, you know I do, but not at the cost of it hurting you,” Bellamy explains. 

"It's _always_ gonna hurt, Bell,” Murphy says and it’s the most honest and vulnerable he’s ever been, but he trusts Bellamy. “You can't protect me from all of it. Just know that I can handle it; I'll be okay because I know I still have you. Promise me that we can try again?"

Bellamy’s heart shatters. Every time he touches Murphy, it hurts him. He guesses that he always knew that, but to hear Murphy confirm it out loud, it tears him apart. “Murph…” 

“Promise me,” Murphy says to him, resolved. 

Bellamy nods and Murphy reaches for his hand, squeezing his fingers. “I promise.”

Murphy offers him half of a smile. He tries to offer Bellamy some comfort, “I got carried away, wanted too much to fast. It was my fault, not yours…we can actually take it slow. We’ll figure it out like we always do. Baby steps.” 

Bellamy chews on his lip, still unsure, but he doesn’t protest because Murphy seems determined and there’s no changing his mind. He keeps holding on to Murphy’s hand and hopes for the best, trying to be firm in his belief that they’re relationship is stronger than everything pushing them apart. 

If they’re together, they can do anything, right? Right.

“You should rest,” Bellamy tells him, knowing that Murphy’s probably exhausted. 

Murphy makes a small noise noise of assent and pulls the blanket out from under him, doing acrobatics as he pulls it around himself. Bellamy can’t help the smile on his face.“Stay,” Murphy says to him and the older man is willing to do anything he wants. 

He nods his head, “I’ll be right here.” Bellamy squeezes Murphy’s hand as the pale boy lays back down, adjusting himself so he can keep holding onto Bellamy’s hand. 

“Don’t let go,” Murphy says, squeezing his fingers. 

“Never.” 

They stare at each other for several moments, letting the silence fall comfortably between them. Murphy closes his eyes and drifts to sleep, content. Bellamy watches him: the way his chest rise and falls when he breathes and how his mouth curves into the smallest of smiles. 

He doesn’t know what their future holds, but if they’re together, it’s enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, kudos, comments, cookies, whatever the hell you want are always appreciated. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr and twitter: murphysurvived 
> 
> Love you!


	3. Volition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vo·li·tion  
> (n.) 1. the act of willing, choosing, or resolving; exercise of willing:  
> 2\. a choice or decision made by the will.  
> 3\. the power of willing; will.

When Murphy wakes up, he finds Bellamy curled on top of the blankets next to him, their hands still intertwined between them. Loving Bellamy is always a choice; it’s something he could easily walk away from if it ever got too hard or became too much. Bellamy would understand. It’s also a feeling in his bones and on his skin, mixed with the pain of the past.

When he looks at Bellamy, he knows he won’t ever walk away from this; Bellamy has the same choice and he stays, so Murphy stays and he fights and he makes them work in spite of every odd against them. Loving Emori had been easy. It was never a choice, so much as a fact. They were the same, she was his counterpoint and mirror image. When they were together, it was an even give and take, equal parts reward and ruin. Until Ontari took that away from him; he had hated himself so much that he couldn’t bear to look at Emori. Even though, he knew she would understand, he didn’t feel like he deserved her anymore and eventually she walked away. That was her choice.

With Bellamy, it’s all ruin, but that makes the reward so great. When it works, it’s worth every day that it doesn't. They earn it and they deserve the happiness they achieve.

Murphy sits up in bed and looks down at his boyfriend sleeping. He's beautiful; a bronze adonis with constellations across his skin. He pushes the inky black curls off his forehead and using the tip of his finger on his free hand, he gently traces the patterns in the freckles on his face. Murphy thinks about how badly he wants to be with Bellamy and how badly Bellamy wants to be with him. He remembers when they started this impossible journey, when all they really wanted was to be able to touch, to hold hands.

They’ve come so far since then.

Bellamy opens his eyes with a groan of tiredness, squinting up at Murphy who can’t help the grin that spreads across his face at the sight of him. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he tells him and Bellamy just grunts, not fully awake yet. He wrinkles his nose in Murphy’s general direction.

“I have an idea, I think I figured it out,” Murphy continues to talk as Bellamy scrubs his face with his free hand, trying to claw the sleep from his eyes.

“Figured out what,” Bellamy mumbles once he’s found his voice, although it’s extra gravelly at the moment.

Murphy’s got a raging boner hearing his boyfriend’s voice and he’s realizing that he never got dressed after last night. Even better. He looks at Bellamy, tongue between his teeth. “Remember when we held hands for the time and you let me choose whether or not I wanted to hold your hand?” He asks and Bellamy makes a noise in the affirmative.

Murphy crawls out from under the blankets and sits on his knees in front of Bellamy in nothing but his underwear, the outline of his hard-on visible beneath the fabric. “Right now, I’m choosing to suck your dick,” he tells Bellamy, meeting the dark almond eyes with his ocean ones. He licks his lips hungrily.

Bellamy feels every ounce of blood in his body go straight into his cock as it strains desperately against the pants he’s wearing. He swallows the lump in his throat, unsure of what to say, so he just nods as Murphy leans forward to start unbuckling the offending clothes.

He finally pulls Bellamy’s pants and underwear down from his hips and tugs them off to join Murphy’s clothes from last night on the floor. The erect dick waits impatiently to be given attention, a pearl of precum on it’s tip. Murphy doesn’t break eye contact with Bellamy as he wraps his fingers around the head and circles his thumb over it, spreading the white fluid before lowering his face to lick the length of it along the protruding vein, trailing his tongue over the sticky head before wrapping his mouth around it.

Bellamy let’s out a soft groan, deep and gravelly, as Murphy hollows his cheeks around the head of his cock, swirling his tongue around it before he takes more of him, sliding his hand down Bellamy’s length to massage his balls. His hips start to stutter as he jerks himself into Murphy’s throat and manages to manages to swallow around him without gagging. Pulling his lips back up around the head, he sucks hard before taking it back down his throat.

“Murphy, fuck…” Bellamy breathes as he threads his fingers in Murphy’s hair, pushing him gently, deeper onto his dick, so that his nose is buried in between his legs. Murphy has to focus on his breathing, he’s okay and this is his choice, but Bellamy’s hand in his hair makes his neck stiffen and he has to remember that he’s doing this for Bellamy.

Murphy bucks his head, so Bellamy let’s him pull back. Bellamy’s cock, still dripping precum falls from his lips and he takes it in his hands, licking all over with the flat of his tongue as he pumps it hard in his fist. Bellamy grits his teeth as he feels himself start to spill over. “Murph, I’m…cumming,” He moans as Murphy takes him back in his mouth, sucking down all the cum and licking him clean.

Bellamy’s breathing hard and he’s looking at Murphy as the boy looks back at him, smiling.

“Well, now that you’ve done it once,” Bellamy starts to say, making a joke.

“Greedy bastard,” Murphy shakes his head him, laughing.

Bellamy’s legs are jelly, but he manages to adjust himself, so he can reach Murphy, capturing his lips in a kiss and tasting the essence of himself still on them.

“Thank you,” he says, voice soft, “for believing in us and for choosing us.”

“No,” Murphy whispers back to him, their faces only centimeters apart, “Thank you for showing me that I could. I promise we’ll be more one day.”

“We’re enough now, you know,” Bellamy assures him.

“I know, but it can’t hurt to want more,” Murphy replies and Bellamy cringes.

“That wasn’t funny, Murphy,” he deadpans.

“Lighten up a little,” Murphy sighs. “Aren’t you still riding your orgasm high?” He asks.

Bellamy rolls his eyes. Same old Murphy. This is who he loves and he wouldn’t want anyone different. His eyes find Murphy’s still hard dick. “You need help with that?” he asks.

“I got it,” Murphy says to him, palming at the bulge in his underwear before he pulls himself out and starts running his fist along the length, pumping slowly. Bellamy watches him, his eyes feasting on his gorgeous boyfriend’s erotic display. Murphy teases the slit with his thumb, precum bubbling as he rubs himself, putting slight pressure on the head and getting his fingers sticky before he moves his hand down his length again, squeezing at the base as he pulls his hand upwards.

He makes eye contact with Bellamy, biting his bottom lip to stifle a moan. It doesn’t take much longer for Murphy to cum with a small gasp, his hand painted with white strings. He holds his hand to Bellamy’s parted lips, so he can have a taste. Bellamy kisses his fingertips gently, sucking on his digits one by one.

Murphy breathes. “I’ll always choose you, Bell. I love you.”

“And I love you. Eternally,” Bellamy tells him.

“Eternally,” Murphy repeats, tracing Bellamy’s lips with his fingers.

 They’re one step closer and it’s good. They’re good. They deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you think: comments, kudos, cookies, whatever the hell you want. It's always appreciated. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr and twitter: murphysurvived
> 
> Love you!


	4. Prosopopoeia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pro·so·po·poe·ia
> 
> (n.) 1. a figure of speech in which an abstract thing is personified.
> 
> 2\. a figure of speech in which an imagined or absent person or thing is represented as speaking.

Murphy and Bellamy laid together in Murphy’s bed, tangled in each other’s arms. The younger boy was curled into Bellamy’s side, head resting in the crook of his shoulder while the older man gently brushed his fingers through Murphy’s hair. It was quiet and the pale boy had been thinking. 

He had been growing closer to Bellamy every day for the last year and they were on the verge of consummating their unconventional relationship. Bellamy knew everything about him, all of his trauma, except for one important aspect. It was something he never really shared with anyone; not even Emori. She knew and he knew she knew, but he never told her. Ultimately, that was why she left him. He had become so closed off that not even she could reach him. 

Bellamy changed that, brought Murphy back out of the darkness, and Murphy didn’t want to lose him too. It was time to come clean. 

He shifted slightly, starting to sit up, and Bellamy turned to look at him. "Before anything else happens with us, I need to tell you something,” Murphy said, his voice quiet. He met Bellamy’s eyes only briefly before looking down to stare at his hands, chewing nervously on his bottom lip. 

Bellamy sat up and moved across from him and Murphy reached to take his hand, squeezing it harder than he ever had before. ”What is it, Murphy? What's wrong?” He asked, suddenly concerned about his boyfriend. Any number of things could be wrong and Bellamy was already thinking about ways to fix them or avoid them if possible. 

"Nothing, not with us. We're good,” Murphy promised him, offering a small smile, but his eyes were still dark with regret. He took a breath. “I just… need to tell you about something that happened with Ontari and me.”

Murphy paused and waited for Bellamy’s reaction. His knuckles were a paler shade of white against Bellamy’s darker skin. He wasn’t expecting anything bad, but saying this out loud to Bellamy made it so much more real. That’s what he was really scared of. 

“Ontari?” Bellamy’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion. “The fake commander? What about her? What happened?” He had to swallow the lump of fear in his throat before Murphy even started to speak. 

Murphy was silent for a long time. It was hard for him to really gather his thoughts and say what needed to be said. He couldn’t make himself look at Bellamy, but he never let go of his hand, even though his own was shaking slightly. “When I got stuck in Polis and Clarke left with the flame, I had to pretend to be Ontari’s flamekeeper. I did it to survive, but then…” Murphy’s mouth went dry and it was a struggle to get the rest of the sentence out. “She forced me to have sex with her. She threatened my life, put me in chains, with a collar around my neck. I didn’t have a choice.” 

Bellamy felt his heart stop as he listened to Murphy. He didn’t know to say or do for him. He opened his mouth to say something, anything but it was coming up empty air. Eventually he managed, “Murphy, I’m so sorry. God, you never should've gone through that. What do I say? What do I do?” He asked. He wanted to pull Murphy into his arms, hold him, protect him, love him, but looking at him now: he looked so fragile, so breakable and Bellamy didn’t want to hurt him again. 

Murphy shook his head, finally looking up at Bellamy who had tears in his eyes. He couldn’t believe that Murphy had gone through that. ”You don't have to say or do anything, Bell. Just listen and be here. I just need you to know that it happened and that I didn’t have a choice,” he repeated, breathing intently through his nose.

“Are you—okay?” Bellamy asked because he didn’t know what else to say. He was so worried, so unsure of how to handle the situation, unsure of what Murphy really needed from him. 

Murphy had said it, it was over. There was still conversation to have, but the hard part: admitting it, that was over. Now, he could really just talk to Bellamy about it. 

Was he okay? It was a fair question and one that he didn’t really have an answer for. “I don’t know, Bell. I guess… maybe. I don’t think I’ll ever really be okay, you know? But it is better because you made it better. You made me better,” Murphy told him, trying to reassure him with a smile. “Thanks for that. Really. For a long time, it was really bad,” he admitted. “It’s why Emori left me.” 

“Emori left you because of Ontari?” Bellamy was incredulous. He didn’t really know Emori, but he knew Murphy had loved her, which meant she can’t have been too terrible. Well, now he was rethinking that, but he never thought she would have just walked away from Murphy when he was hurting. They always seemed like they fit, meant more to each other than any other two people did. It didn’t make sense to him. 

If he was honest, Murphy could never blame Emori for leaving. She had to look out for herself and he hadn’t been providing anything to their relationship anymore. “I never really explained it to her. I couldn’t… it was too fresh, too real; I was too damaged and raw. I couldn’t look at her or touch her. I didn’t think I deserved her because I was tainted.” That was truth and what was more, he didn’t want feel like he didn’t deserve Bellamy. By telling this, it felt like he was earning the right to be with him. 

“You’re not tainted, or damaged, or broken, you know. You’re a survivor,”Bellamy said. He reached out with his free hand, letting it hover between them. “Can I—?” He started to ask and Murphy nodded.

“Please,” He whispered, almost broken. Bellamy’s fingers caressed Murphy’s cheek, his hand settled itself, cupped around his jaw, gently, carefully. The older man was so afraid of shattering Murphy. 

The younger boy nuzzled into Bellamy’s touch even as his skin tingled with mild discomfort. He was getting used to the dull ache and finding the pleasure in it. He wanted and desired Bellamy’s touch like nothing else. 

A few tears spilled from his eyes in quiet desperation and Bellamy swiped them away with his thumb. 

“Murphy, I would never leave you,” he promised. 

“I know that,” Murphy assured him, closing his eyes and letting himself just feel Bellamy’s hand against his skin. “I still needed you to know. It’s a part of who I am,” He explained, “I didn’t want us to be together and not have you know about that.” 

“It doesn’t define you,” Bellamy told him. “You’re more than what Ontari did to you and more than what _I_ did to you.” 

“I know that too because you showed me I was. That’s why I want to be able to give you all of me,” Murphy stated quietly, moving forward slowly to kiss Bellamy.

Bellamy kept his hand on Murphy’s face, stalling the kiss for a moment. “I want that too,” he insists, “ but only as long as you’re okay with it. I never want you to feel like this isn’t your choice.”

“Thank you,” Murphy whispered softly, taking Bellamy’s face in his hands and pressing their lips together; soft and slow and sweet, warmth filling him as their mouths moved against each other. “I love you. Eternally.” 

“I love you too. Eternally,” Bellamy repeats, licking at Murphy’s lips and pressing into the kiss, so that their noses bump. 

There was never a moment where Murphy thought this conversation wasn’t going to go well, but he’s happy all the same that Bellamy understands, that Bellamy loves him, and that he’ll never leave. The warmth in his chest grows and spreads and it’s good, he’s okay. They’re okay. 

Maybe now, maybe soon they’ll be ready to take that next step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I know this was a hard chapter. Any kudos and comments are much appreciated, but whatever the hell you want. Love you. 
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr or twitter: murphysurvived
> 
> <3


	5. Inexorable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in·ex·o·ra·ble  
> (adj.) impossible to stop or prevent.

Murphy’s asleep in his arms, but Bellamy can’t stop thinking about his confession: Ontari raped him.

It kept spinning around in his head, making his focus go fuzzy around the edges. Suddenly, every bad thing that happened to him seemed like nothing. Ontari violated Murphy's body without his consent; she threatened to kill him if he didn't give her pleasure. Bellamy felt sick.

Both Murphy and him had been tortured, they'd been beaten and hung, but this was a different thing.

Pain heals.

Scars fade.

The trauma can be dealt with, but Murphy had his choice stripped away; he was used like a toy and it left stains under his skin, buried itself inside of him until he felt like he was worthless.

After everything Murphy had been through, he didn't deserve that. No one deserved that.

Bellamy looked at the pale boy resting against him, peaceful as his chest rose and fell with even breaths. He's safe with Bellamy, always.

The older man has tried to take on Murphy's burdens and take responsibility for what's he's done to him, but he's learning that he can't. Not really. Not in any way that's going to actually help Murphy, but he keeps putting it on himself--like Atlas bearing the weight of the world.

He used to see Murphy as an impenetrable force to be reckoned with. He used to think of him like Bacchus, reckless and wild god of depravity, impervious to harm and incapable of real human emotion. Now, he knows better.

He knows that Murphy’s vulnerable, that he’s got cracks in his armor; the facade he wears so people believe he’s tough. The truth is that he is tough and Bellamy doesn’t always give him enough credit anymore. Murphy’s a fighter, a survivor, and even though he’s fallen so hard, he keeps getting back up. Bellamy wants to protect Murphy, wants to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again, but he’s realizing sometimes Murphy has to protect himself and there’s nothing Bellamy can do, and that’s okay if Murphy say it is.

He has to trust Murphy to know his own limits and it’s hard, it’s almost impossible because all he wants is to be there, but maybe it’s still enough to just want it.

“Bell,” Murphy mumbles, still half-asleep.

“Yeah, Murph?”

“I know you’re thinking about what i told you,” Murphy tells him, stretching to press a kiss to his jaw. “You know that you’ve done a lot for me, right? I’m stronger because of you; you’ve gotten me through so much and just being here with me, that’s enough.”

“Are you really okay?” He asks, not because he thinks Murphy lied, but because he needs to hear him say it again, to be reassured that Murphy is not somehow irreparably damaged in some way. He swallows the lump of emotion that’s balled up in the back of his throat.

“Because of you, i’m more than okay,” Murphy promises. He knows how much Bellamy needs that. Then he explains, “I never thought that I’d ever want to be with someone again… I thought Ontari had taken that from me, my ability to desire touch, to feel like I deserved to be touched… but you, you of all people, you who couldn’t touch me for reasons that had nothing to do with love or sex, you brought me back to myself, to wanting someone’s touch, to needing it. That’s why I believe in you, and in us.”

Bellamy’s arms tighten around Murphy’s middle. He didn’t do any of that, not really.

“You did that, Murphy. You brought yourself back,” Bellamy said; he’s never felt prouder of Murphy, seeing now what’s he’s had to overcome.

“Maybe, but I couldn’t have done it without you,” Murphy admits sheepishly.

Bellamy nuzzled his face against Murphy’s neck, pressing gentle kisses against it. Murphy stiffens for a second; uncomfortable with the attention to his neck because of the hanging and Ontari’s collar, but he took a breath and remembered that it’s Bellamy. He’s okay. He’s safe.

Bellamy noticed though, “Should I not have done that?” He asks, concerned.

“My neck’s a little sensitive because of…you know,” Murphy replied honestly. “But it’s fine, I like it. Just be gentle, okay?”

Bellamy nodded, trailing more soft kisses along Murphy’s neck and collarbone. Murphy closed his eyes and let’s himself just feel it. He wanted this.

“Bell…” Murphy breathed, “More.”

Bellamy used a little more pressure, kissing and laving the side of Murphy’s neck with his tongue. It’s warm against his skin and he concentrated on the pleasurable feelings, ignoring the tightening sensation against his throat. His dick grows hard against his leg and Murphy shifts his hips to rut against Bellamy.

“Please, Bell,” he begs. All he wants is for this to feel good, to make him forget.

Bellamy let his teeth graze along Murphy’s delicate skin, just enough to feel it but not enough to leave any marks. He heard Murphy groan audibly, his hips gyrating faster, trying to get enough friction for release.

Eventually Murphy stilled, his hips stuttered, and he sighed, breath coming out in soft pants.

Bellamy knew that Murphy needed this. That if it did hurt him, it would make him stronger. He can’t always protect Murphy, but he can always be there. He can help. It’s enough.

Murphy makes eye contact with him then and smiles, still breathless. “Thanks.” He buries his face in Bellamy’s chest. “I’m sleepy.”

Bellamy kisses the top of Murphy’s head, “Hey,” he mumbles into Murphy’s hair, voice thick with sarcasm, “What about me? You’re not the only one who…”

Murphy has to choke back his laughter, “Just go to sleep, Bell.”

Bellamy makes a low grunting noise and pulls Murphy closer against him, wrapping his arms around him like he’s never letting go again. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go to sleep.”

He places on last kiss to Murphy’s jaw before the younger boy drifts off.

He’s happy. He’s glad Murphy is okay. It’s good. They’re good. He closes his eyes and he finally falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, loves. You know what to to do: comment, kudos, cookies, whatever the hell you want... just let me know. 
> 
> find me on tumblr and twitter: murphysurvived
> 
> Love yooouuuu!


	6. Counterbalance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coun·ter·bal·ance  
> (n.) 1. a weight that balances another weight.

Murphy wakes up first. He’s happy, really happy and it’s still a foreign feeling for him. 

The last year with Bellamy has been one of the toughest of his life, but also one of the most rewarding. He never knew that he could want someone so bad, especially after what happened with Ontari. He never thought that he could undo what was done to him, but somehow with Bellamy they managed it. They broke down his walls and made him whole again. He never could have done that alone. 

Bellamy’s his strength; without him, he can’t fight off the demons and they devour him. He doesn’t think his boyfriend really sees or understands that. He’s not strong on his own, not really. 

Murphy shifts around in Bellamy’s grip careful not to wake him, not yet. Not until he can press his lips to his brown-skinned boyfriend’s lips, soft at first, then gently nipping at his bottom lip until Bellamy groans into his mouth. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he mumbles, not really breaking the kiss. 

Bellamy kisses him back, smiling into it. “Good morning,” he growls, words getting swallowed in their sloppy morning kisses. “…my favorite way to wake up.”

“It’s my favorite way to wake you up,” Murphy tries to sound sentimental, but he fails. “I mean what else am I supposed to do all day, talk to the wall?”

Bellamy tries to suppress his snort. He also fails. “You think you’re funny, don’t you?” He asks, tilting his head as he stares up at the gorgeous boy looking down at him, with depthless blue eyes, wild like fire and encompassing entire oceans in their gaze. He almost forgets how to breathe. 

Murphy smirks at him and he’s dying to capture that knife-like grin in another passionate kiss, but he waits when Murphy leans closer, hot breath against his skin as he whispers, “No, I know i’m funny. What are you?” 

Bellamy feels it stir up his insides; Murphy’s smile and his eyes, just his whole being. He can't shake the way Murphy makes him feel. His curls bounce as shakes his head, turning his face away to hide from Murphy’s stare. “I’m not anything, but you’re ridiculous. you better be glad I love you,” he murmurs into the pillow. 

Murphy nibbles on the tip of Bellamy’s ear. “Hey, look at me. Bell…” He coaxes the older man until he turns back to him and Murphy’s face breaks into another heart-wrenching grin that breaks Bellamy into a thousand pieces. “I love you too, weirdo. I need to tell you something.”

Bellamy’s heart stops. Murphy’s all serious again and every time it terrifies him. “What?” He asks, voice quiet, mentally trying to prepare for whatever it is Murphy wants to say to him. 

“I really just want you to know how important you are to me. I keep telling you, but I don’t think you really get it,” Murphy tells him.

“I know I’m important to you, Murphy,” Bellamy says, knitting his brows, confused that Murphy would think he didn’t know that. “You’re important to me too.” 

“No, you don’t get it, Bell. You’re it. You’re the reason I’m not alone, the reason I’m whole again,” Murphy repeats, impatient because he knows Bellamy still doesn’t get it. They’ve been together for a year, but Bellamy doesn’t know that he’s everything to Murphy. “You’re the one. My one. There’s no one else. It’s always gonna be you.”

“I am? Really? The one?” Bellamy breathes. That’s huge. It’s a big thing for them both and Bellamy’s almost ashamed it took so long for him to see it. He knew, of course he knew, but he always expected it to end because they didn’t really fit, because being together was too much effort, but Murphy was telling him now that it never would. 

Murphy had chosen him and the full force of that realization was making Bellamy’s head spin, but it was a good kind of dizzy feeling.

“Yeah, the one. Really,” Murphy repeats and Bellamy can't help but reach up and cup the back of Murphy’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss; Murphy mouth is sweet and warm against his and Bellamy can’t get enough of it ever. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year and they’ve made it this far, but it’s also hard to believe there was ever a time when they weren’t this close. 

When Murphy breaks the kiss and makes a face at him, Bellamy laughs. “You know, I didn’t know you were such a sentimental sap, Murph, but don’t worry, it’s kind of cute.” 

“Eat my ass, Bellamy Blake,” Murphy wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out at Bellamy. 

“Actually, I would love to do that, if you wanted me to,” Bellamy admits sheepishly.

“Please,” Murphy begs. “God, Yes.” 

***

They both strip and scramble into position, Murphy's heart hyper and excited. He's not afraid, he trusts Bellamy. His face is pressed into the pillow and he closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. His butt is in the air, poised and waiting.

Bellamy's behind him; he ghosts a line along Murphy's spinal column with his fingertips. "Are you okay?" He asks. 

"Yeah, Bell. I trust you. If something's wrong, I’ll say Polaris,” Murphy assures him and Bellamy leans over him to press kisses into the space where his neck meets his shoulder and along his shoulder blade, working his way down his back. Murphy arches slightly into the contact. 

When Bellamy finally puts his large hands on Murphy's butt cheeks, He can feel himself tighten in anticipation. “Just try to relax, okay?” Bellamy tells him and squeezes the flesh in his hands before spreading them to look at Murphy’s puckered hole twitching up at him. 

Murphy makes a noise low in his throat, affirming that he is still okay, and Bellamy presses his lips against the winking anus, kissing it softly before lavishing it with his warm tongue. Murphy gasps at the initial sensation. 

Bellamy hasn’t penetrated him yet, but his tongue has started poking gently the tightness trying to coax it open. Eventually his tongue slides past Murphy’s entrance, circling the rim and Murphy can’t help but push back against Bellamy’s face. His tongue darts in and out, teasing along the edges; Murphy fists the bed sheets until Bellamy starts to suck lightly causing him to moan, his hole fluttering around Bellamy’s tongue. 

“Fuck, Bell, fuck,” Murphy cries out. 

Bellamy takes a finger, coating it in his saliva, and presses it into Murphy, who immediately tightens around it, stopping the intrusion. “Murphy, relax. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I‘m fine,” He mumbles into the pillow, forcing himself to relax so he can bear down on Bellamy’s finger, taking it to knuckle. He breathes hard as Bellamy moves it around slowly, in and out, pulling at the edges to stretch him. It’s a little uncomfortable, but he’s starting to like it. 

“Do you want another finger?” Bellamy asks, waiting for Murphy to breathe out a _yeah_ before sliding it in and scissoring, pumping both fingers inside of him. Murphy holds Bellamy’s fingers inside of him, wanting so much more. He pushes down against Bellamy, seeking deeper penetration, more friction. His dick is hard and pressed into his stomach and his fingers itch to touch it. 

Murphy wants Bellamy Blake. He wants him buried deep inside him and wrapped around his skin. He wants everything Bellamy can offer him and he wants it right now. 

“Bell?” He asks, timid. “I’m ready to try again.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took nine years. Thanks for reading and enjoying. Let me know what you think: comments, kudos, cookies, whatever the hell you want. It's always appreciated. <3 
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr or twitter: murphysurvived 
> 
> love you!!!!


	7. Presentiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pre·sen·ti·ment   
> (n.) an intuitive feeling about the future, especially one of foreboding

_“I’m ready to try again.”_

Bellamy’s fingers still inside Murphy and he stares at the younger boy, lying there, wanting to give all of himself over to Bellamy. He thinks about how Murphy had just said that he’s the one and god, does he want to take Murphy with everything he has. 

There’s a myth Bellamy remembers: Xibalba, the ancient Mayan underworld, said to exist beyond the Milky Way. His mother used to tell him stories about it, pointing out the window on the ark into the inky black space dotted with fiery stars, light years away. Legend has it, to enter Xibalba, the ruling Gods play tricks and have obstacles to get to true eternal peace. 

That’s how being with Murphy sometimes feels, an endless maze of obstacles; room after room of hurt and pain and terror, but then Murphy holds his hand and it’s okay. He talks him down and they move forward. 

“Bell?” Murphy repeats his name, pushing back against the fingers still in him. 

Bellamy nods at him. “Now?” He asks. 

Murphy wiggles his ass. “I think I could use a little more of that tongue of yours first. Maybe, another finger,” He says, raising an eyebrow.

Bellamy can’t say no to him. He smirks, digging a little deeper into Murphy's entrance with his index and middle fingers before pulling them out, leaving Murphy to whine from the emptiness.

"Whatever you want, Murph.” He spreads the pale cheeks and his pink tongue pokes between his teeth as he leans down to lick a a stripe from the underside of Murphy's balls all the way along his perineum. Murphy shivers, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding; his heart pounding loudly in his ears. 

Soon, Bellamy’s tongue is teasing his tightness again, flicking against it as it opens itself for him. He swirls the tip of it around inside Murphy, who moans and bucks helplessly. Bellamy gets so hard at the sound of his voice, at the pleasure he’s giving Murphy. It makes him horny knowing Murphy is getting off on this, that he’s giving Murphy something other than pain. He can’t believe that they’re doing this, when a year ago they could barely touch hands. 

All he wants is to make Murphy happy. 

He plunges three fingers, slick with saliva, deep inside of Murphy, nudging his prostate and the younger boy arches his back, keening.

“Mmmm… you’re so good to me, Bell. I want you inside of me so bad, fuck. Don’t stop.” Murphy begs, voice breathless and needy, legs shaking from the pleasure The stretch burns, but it’s nothing compared to how much he needs this. 

Xibalba enters his thoughts again; a room of total darkness closing in around him, another room of moving blades threatening to slice and attack. All of a sudden, Bellamy stops and pulls away from Murphy. He’s afraid of pushing too far and hurting Murphy again. He hates seeing Murphy cry, hates seeing him shake and twitch from old memories that haunt him. He can’t do that to Murphy again. 

Murphy whines at the loss of Bellamy’s tongue and fingers. He pushes himself up with his hands and turns around to look at Bellamy, who seems concerned. 

“I don’t want to hurt you again,” he admits, frowning. “I just want you to be happy.”

Murphy sighs, a little exasperated at having to have this conversation again, but if it’s what Bellamy needs, he’s willing to have it a thousand more times. He crawls to Bellamy and takes his hands. “I am happy,” Murphy tells him. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and it’s because of you. Any pain I go through, I can handle it because I have you. I can move past it because you’re mine. We’re in this together.”

Bellamy nods. Murphy’s words, his confidence and trust and _faith_ in them always shocks him. The boy who has so much pain, so much tragedy and hurt, and he’s put himself in Bellamy’s hands after everything Bellamy did to him. 

"Why me?” Bellamy asks him because part of him doesn’t understand how they got here. He loves Murphy, but Murphy shouldn’t love him. He knows he’s changed, but the damage was done and he doesn’t deserve this. 

“Bell, you know why; you saved me, brought me back from my own self-destruction. We built this together, it works because we make it work and we want it,” Murphy tries to reassure him and then asks, “What do you thinks going to happen?” 

“I don’t know, I just don’t want to push you too far. I don’t want to lose this or you. I want you so bad, you know that, but I don’t want it to be at the risk of us falling apart or you losing yourself again,” Bellamy admits, unsure of exactly what he fears the most. 

“You won’t lose me. Even if something happens, I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” Murphy tells him. “I’m yours.” 

Bellamy gives him a half-smile, “Really?” He asks, still worried. Murphy can see it in his dark eyes. 

“I love you,” Murphy says to him, holding his gaze, bringing him out of his thoughts.He lets go of his hands, so he can cup Bellamy’s face. “Eternally,” he repeats their word, the one that means forever because that’s what they are. 

“Eternally,” Bellamy whispers and Murphy kisses him; everything inside of Bellamy collapses like a star, burning hot and bright until it lays waste to his soul and he’s reborn from the dust. The heat spreads through him and oxygen fails him and he implodes, pulling inwards into himself before attacking Murphy hungrily with his lips and tongue, teeth clashing and mouths desperate for each other.

Bellamy barely has a chance to breathe when Murphy starts to rut against him, their erect dicks sliding together creating delicious friction. “Murph…” Bellamy gasps, but it’s swallowed by another messy kiss. 

It’s really happening. 

They’re about to make love and it’s spacewalking without a tether, floating aimless and wild into the empty void. Bellamy’s ready to drown in the blackhole, to be consumed in this with Murphy; if they’re together, they’ll reach the true Xibalba. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey!!! thanks for reading. you know the drill: comments, kudos, cookies, questions, whatever the hell you want... go ahead and let me know. It's super appreciated. 
> 
> Love you!!!


	8. Eternal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> e·ter·nal  
> (adj.) lasting or existing forever; without end or beginning.

This is it, the culmination of their relationship. If they get through this, they can really do anything. For all that Murphy has believed in them, it still took a long time to get to this place. He’s here now and he’s ready and nothing has ever felt better. 

He thought Ontari had stripped him of every desire for affection and every need for intimacy, but he’s found it again. Before Ontari, when Emori and him made love, it seemed like they couldn’t be closer. The tenderness and the love was so real, so pure and Murphy desperately wants it to be like that with Bellamy. He believes in that possibility with everything inside of him and he knows they can make it a reality. 

Murphy feels great; he feels everything. His skin tingles with anticipation, but it’s good. He wants this and he can have it; he’s ready to take it. He knows Bellamy wants him to enjoy this and he definitely is, but what he really wants is for Bellamy to enjoy it just as much. 

He pulls back from Bellamy’s greedy mouth, trailing over his bare skin, hot breath and wet tongue mouthing down Bellamy’s neck and nibbling his collarbone. His pale hands press into Bellamy’s brown-skinned chest, teasing his nipples between lithe fingers. “Let me show you how much I love you, Bellamy,” He murmurs into shadow of his neck and shoulder, pressing more kisses into his golden flesh. 

Bellamy tries to bite back his moans, but everything Murphy’s doing has him burning up inside. Murphy pulls back from marking Bellamy’s shoulder to look at him through his eyelashes, biting his lower lip and Bellamy just nods, knowing that he would let Murphy do anything to him. He bows his head, mouth moving down Bellamy’s chest; kissing and licking until he reaches the standing erection pressed against Bellamy’s stomach. 

Bellamy breathes in a sharp gasp before Murphy even touches him. The last time he had been left a boneless mess and he already feels like he’s lost control of his body, diluted down to primal urges and need. All he wants is Murphy’s mouth and his tongue and his hands and his ass. He wants every piece of him and Murphy’s giving it all to him, making his heart swell and burst with how much he loves him. 

Murphy starts to lick him; long stripes from the base of his balls up the shaft and around the tip. He takes the head in his mouth, teasing the slit with his tongue as he laves it until it slick with saliva. Bellamy grabs Murphy’s butt and kneads the flesh in his hands as Murphy’s takes Bellamy deep into his throat, his head bobbing as he rubs his nose in Bellamy’s pubic hair before pulling off and looking his boyfriend in the eyes. 

He leans in to kiss him, gently, slowly; their mouths just brushing against each other as they try to steady themselves for what comes next. It does nothing to calm their hyper hearts, racing with adrenaline. 

“Eternally,” Murphy tells him, as he lines himself up over Bellamy’s cock and lowers himself, feeling the stretch as Bellamy fills him. He has to stop and wait and breathe; just the bulbous head of Bellamy’s dick is overwhelming. After a few moments, it starts to feel good again and Murphy lowers himself, seating himself fully on Bellamy. His hands are around Bellamy’s shoulders, blunt nails digging into his flesh of his back, and he’s not breaking eye contact. 

“Eternally,” Bellamy replies and Murphy starts to move, lifting his hips and dropping down again, finding a rhythm. It’s slow at first, careful, testing the limits. Bellamy’s losing his mind with how tight Murphy is and how good he feels. He attacks Murphy’s mouth with messy kisses, tugging at his lower lip and let his teeth scrape along it. Murphy moans in his mouth, kissing him back as he starts to roll his hips harder, bouncing on Bellamy’s prick, hitting his prostate again and again. He can feel himself teetering on the edge, but Bellamy’s not ready for him to get there just yet. 

Eventually Bellamy can’t help himself, needing to be an active participant in their lovemaking. He’s so hard and so horny. All he wants is to use Murphy until he takes them both apart. 

“Murph, I’m so close…” Bellamy breathes in his ear, voice rough and needy. “Get back on your hands and knees” 

He pulls Murphy off his member and with the younger boy back on his hands and knees, Bellamy pushes back into him, holding his hips with a firm grip. He starts thrusting hard and fast; Murphy only stays upright due to Bellamy’s powerful hands on him, his legs shaking under him.

“Shit, Bell… Please,” Murphy can’t even form a full coherent thought. One of Bellamy’s hands slides around him to pull on his hard cock. Pre-cum drips from the slit and Bellamy rubs it with his thumb to get better friction before he moves his hand down Murphy’s shaft. He squeezes the base and fondles his balls before he starts to jerk Murphy off at a dizzying pace. Murphy’s not sure whether to push back against Bellamy’s thrusts or forward into his hand. The sensations are making him see stars and he knows he’s not going to last much longer. 

“Bell, I’m cumming,” Murphy gasps, his legs giving out from beneath him as he spills over, falling forward, but Bellamy pulls him back against his chest, still thrusting into him. He cums with a groan, filling Murphy’s hole with semen. 

He breathes hard against the back of Murphy’s neck, pressing kisses to the sweat slick skin of his shoulder. They both collapse onto the bed, tangling limbs tiredly as they both struggle to catch their breath. Bellamy shifts so that he slips out of Murphy, but they’re still wrapped up in each other’s arms, listening to the way each of their hearts beat, not quite in sync. 

“That was amazing,” Murphy tells him, nudging Bellamy’s face with his nose as he goes in for a kiss. “I’m glad that we got to have that,” he admits. 

“Me too,” Bellamy replies, kissing him back and pushing hand through Murphy’s hair, twisting it between his fingers. “You were amazing. You are amazing.”

Murphy gave him a shy smile, heat burning his cheeks. “Only because I have you. I never could have done this with anyone, but you.” 

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Bellamy tells him, “You’re so much stronger than you think.” 

“We’re strong together,” Murphy says, “You and me. We make this work together.”

“It’s Xibalba,” Bellamy murmurs, his face buried in Murphy’s shoulder. 

“What’s that?” Murphy asks him, his hand finding Bellamy’s free hand, intertwining their fingers. Bellamy rubs his thumb in circles on Murphy’s skin absently.

“A Mayan legend. It’s their underworld, the realm of the dead. It’s said to exist beyond the Milky Way in the stars. True Xibalba is eternal peace, but to get there, you have to go through hell,” Bellamy explains to him. “There’s obstacles, tricks played vengeful gods:rooms of darkness and razors and bats…but it reminds me a lot of you and me.” Bellamy squeezes Murphy’s hand. “we fight through the obstacles in our relationship, so we get to have this, we get peace and happiness.”

“It was a long time coming,” Murphy admits. “I never really thought we’d get here.”

“Me either, but that was all you, you know,” Bellamy presses kisses to Murphy’s cheeks and forehead. “If you hadn’t pushed yourself and wanted it so bad; I never would have made you.” 

“Thank you, Bell, for letting this happen and for trusting me. I know it wasn’t easy. I know you were scared,” Murphy breathes. He smiles into Bellamy’s kisses. 

Bellamy smiles softly back at him. “It was and it wasn’t. I would never deny you anything, Murphy, and I wanted this just as bad as you did,” Bellamy explained. “I just never wanted it to be too much for you to handle; I never wanted it to be the thing that drove us apart.” 

“Nothing could do that, not anymore,” Murphy promises him. He nuzzles his face against Bellamy, burying it in his chest and pressing kisses to his skin. He's a pleasant mix of sleepy with the effects of post-orgasm afterglow still giving him a heady buzz. "Nothing in my life has ever been this good, Bell. You and me, we may not be normal, but we're good, we're okay. I didn't do this so we could be normal; normal’s overrated. I did it because we deserve this. I did it because I love you..."

"I love you too, Murphy," Bellamy tells him softly, carding fingers through the younger boy's hair. Murphy yawns and snuggles against Bellamy, closing his eyes. "Eternally."

He's half-asleep in Bellamy's embrace, but he mumbles just loud enough for him to hear. 

"Eternally."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT GUYS!!!! THIS IS IT, WE'RE DONE?!?!!? MAYBE. I DUNNO IF I WANNA ADD SOME ONE SHOTS TO THIS SERIES BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SEND ME PROMPTS AND I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. 
> 
> As always, comments, kudos, cookies, whatever the hell you want....it all means the world to me. 
> 
> come talk to me on twitter or tumblr: murphysurvived

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!! Thanks for reading. If you haven't read Let The Walls Break Down, I do reccommend reading it first, but it's not absolutely necessary. 
> 
> If you liked it, let me know. Comment, Kudos, Cookies, Whatever the hell you want. I'll be getting more chapters up soon, I hope. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr or twitter: murphysurvived
> 
> Love you!!


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